Part of my journey is figuring out what are the holes in my life that I have been filling with food. I have to figure this out in order to break the cycle of my overeating and be able to maintain a healthy weight for the remainder of my life. I guess this is a step in all addiction recovery.
I totally do not want to place blame on anyone but I just have to figure out why a 4 year old would start turning towards food. I know that my family loves me and would do nothing to hurt me in anyway. I certainly want to figure this out so I might be able to prevent it happening to my children if I'm blessed with them.
I think part of my issues stemmed from being compared to my older brother and having the feelings of not living up to what I thought was expected of me. I know that I was never intentionally compared to him but looking back to lil things, I was comparing myself to him and not being able to be as great as my big brother. I also think this is part of the reason why our childhood relationship suffered.
Let me give you an example of my lil girl logic. It is report card time. My grandparents would give us money for the A's on our report cards. My brother was a straight A student and racked in the cash. I was a B student that really struggled to get those B's sometimes and walked away with less cash then him. So at that instance, I told myself that I'm not smart enough or good enough and I begin to feel those holes with what I know would make me feel better and less sad. CHEESE!!!
God bless my grandparents!! When though they are not here in body, their souls are looking down on me everyday!! I love them and I know in my heart that they are proud of the woman I have become. And it is only through this discovery of myself, I can feel proud of myself. It is tough feeling proud of yourself when you are always comparing yourself to others.
From this point on!! I'm me!!! I need to be proud of me!!! I will never be my brother, my neighbor, or that size zero model!!! I need to love myself for me!!!
Wowsers!!! It is amazing what blogging can do for a girl. And I'll be filling alot more holes as I continue on my journey.
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2 comments:
aw Beth...I cried reading this entry...you are so right though...I can completely relate to not feeling worthy enough, no matter what I acheived. HUGS, you are so amazing and I absolutely adore, admire and respect you!
YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
That is so insightful. I should really try to figure out why I started eating too - a little later than you - I was about 7 - but food has been my friend/comfort/enemy since then.
Thanks for the encouragement to start exploring.
Cathy
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