August 19, 2007 - One Year WW Anniversary

150.2 pounds out the door

Filling the Holes

Part of my journey is figuring out what are the holes in my life that I have been filling with food. I have to figure this out in order to break the cycle of my overeating and be able to maintain a healthy weight for the remainder of my life. I guess this is a step in all addiction recovery.

I totally do not want to place blame on anyone but I just have to figure out why a 4 year old would start turning towards food. I know that my family loves me and would do nothing to hurt me in anyway. I certainly want to figure this out so I might be able to prevent it happening to my children if I'm blessed with them.

I think part of my issues stemmed from being compared to my older brother and having the feelings of not living up to what I thought was expected of me. I know that I was never intentionally compared to him but looking back to lil things, I was comparing myself to him and not being able to be as great as my big brother. I also think this is part of the reason why our childhood relationship suffered.

Let me give you an example of my lil girl logic. It is report card time. My grandparents would give us money for the A's on our report cards. My brother was a straight A student and racked in the cash. I was a B student that really struggled to get those B's sometimes and walked away with less cash then him. So at that instance, I told myself that I'm not smart enough or good enough and I begin to feel those holes with what I know would make me feel better and less sad. CHEESE!!!

God bless my grandparents!! When though they are not here in body, their souls are looking down on me everyday!! I love them and I know in my heart that they are proud of the woman I have become. And it is only through this discovery of myself, I can feel proud of myself. It is tough feeling proud of yourself when you are always comparing yourself to others.

From this point on!! I'm me!!! I need to be proud of me!!! I will never be my brother, my neighbor, or that size zero model!!! I need to love myself for me!!!

Wowsers!!! It is amazing what blogging can do for a girl. And I'll be filling alot more holes as I continue on my journey.

My New Clothing Goal

I have found my new I'm going to get in this goal!! The next size 18 Tommy Hilfiger Jeans in my life. By the way, my Tommy's are to big for me now!! I officially can shop for size 16 pants. I'm amazed considering I was shopping just a lil over a year ago at Pennigton's for size 5x/32W and having a hard time finding things that fit. I now can fit into 1 leg of those pants I bought a year ago.

But I'm so excited about my new goal. Over the weekend, I found a $25 silk dress at the Chinese Night Market in Chinatown. It is midnight blue and very ohhh lalaaaa!! Keep it mind it is made for the Asian women population who have alot smaller curves then me!! But I'm going to get into this dress!! I'm going to continue full steam ahead with my training schedule for the Okanagan Marathon and going to aquafit. But for the fall, belly dancing here I come and perhaps a couple of sessions with a personal trainer to start working on the body tone and loose skin.

Put in me in some strappy heels and this dress and BAM!! You have one fine looking chick!! I can picture it now!!!

Don't you quit.......

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down
When you feel like the biggest failure in town
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about healthy and thin
So what! You went over your points a bit
It's your next move that counts...So don't quit
It's a moment of truth, its an attitude change
It's learning the skills to get back to your range
It's telling yourself, "you've done great up till now",
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow"
It's part of your journey towards reaching your goal
You're gonna make it, just take control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
If you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when loosing the grip,
just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you to grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the cloud of doubt.
When you're pushed to the brink,
just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it down....
But don't you QUIT!!!

~WW Online 200+ message board~

Loving and Caring Support

To be successful at making this a lifestyle change, loving and caring support is 110% part of the game!!

I consider myself blessed to be surrounded by people that care about me and want to support me on this journey. From my co-workers, to my friends, to my family, to my fellow WW members, to Marisa (my WW leader), to Bernie (my best friend, soulmate, and loving hubby)

These people have filled my journey with so much support that I can't help but pay it forward to others that may need that lil nudge to get them going or to keep them go on their journey to a healthier and happier self.

But I'm going to need that continued support long after I get to my goal (whatever number it maybe)!! I'm getting to that point where a lil bit of fear is starting to poke through that history may repeat itself. I don't want to ever go back to being OBESE Beth!! I don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds again (except if a lil Merk is in the oven)!! So I need those people around me to swear to tell me the truth and don't let me pack on the pounds again!! Just think of what it would do to my body and head space!!

I was watching TLC last night about the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic. This guy who weighed 1000 lbs worked with Richard Simmons 15 years ago and lost 750 pounds. Just to gain it back!! He then checked into Brookhaven and lost 500 pounds but checked out early. Just to gain it back again! He then was at Brookhaven for a 2nd time when Richard Simmons came for a visit. What really hit home was when Richard asked the guy's wife why she didn't say anything as he was gaining 50 pounds, 100 pounds, or 150 pounds back.

I'm asking you to please say something to me if I start gaining the weight back!! That story kinda mirrors mine. The only difference is the numbers when you think about it!! And I didn't have a lil pesky guy in short shorts and a sequined top pointing out a good question.

Thanks Bernie for being the 1st to agree to speak up!!! Yea, I do want to be your throphy wife!!! LOL It will really work now that people are starting to say that I'm looking younger!!

The coolest thing is that once I hit my goal and maintain then I become a WW lifetime member. So as long as I'm talking about WW with someone in my life and it is not in the past tense then I'm doing good.

I'm one blessed gal to have all of you in my life!!!

Onderland

I'm still in awe of myself even after a few days after my Sunday weigh-in!! My weight now begins with a 1!!! I have reached "Onderland" as it is affectionately called by Weight Watcher members.

Let me tell you!! I can't even remember the last time my weight was under 200 pounds not even in Michigan with LA Weight Loss. I'm totally awestruck and going into uncharted territory for me!! BUT IT FEELS FRICKN' FABULOUS!!

I'm getting so close to that half of me goal!! I'm starting to taste it!! As I have been thinking about my goal weight, I'm not to sure if I want to stop at 170 or go for 150, my goal according to WW (Weight Watchers). When I first started WW and I saw that number, I said righto!! NOT!! But now that I'm 49 pounds away from 150 instead of 190 pounds away, I now starting to say bring it on!! I'll be seeing my family doc in a few weeks and that will be at the top of the list of questions to get his thoughts on the subject.

Back to Reality

I think I can start saying that I vacationed and that "normal" is starting to return!! It was nice to see my family again but it was also nice to return from the land of Ice Cream. We had Ice Cream at least 7 times in the 13 days we were in Illinois. Bernie was shocked when I told him that I was Ice Creamed out. But I did stick to my commitments to myself and now I can say that I went on vacation and continued my successful weight loss journey.

What's next on my books?? The Okangan Marathon in in October so I'm going to start getting back into my training schedule. I'm also thinking about talking to a personal trainer to discuss my loose skin issue and start working on building some muscle to help with the some of those issues.

While on vacation, I did decide that I would stop hating my upper arms so much and that I should be proud of my loose and wobbly skin!! Since I have worked hard to get it and I should be able to wear tank tops if I want to since I can now fit into them. But that I really need to start working on building some muscles to help reduce the wobble!!

The most important thing that I learned is that if you make a plan that is attainable and not so far out there that you set yourself up for failure and follow it then the outcome will be 99.9% in your favor.