August 19, 2007 - One Year WW Anniversary

150.2 pounds out the door

Filling the Holes

Part of my journey is figuring out what are the holes in my life that I have been filling with food. I have to figure this out in order to break the cycle of my overeating and be able to maintain a healthy weight for the remainder of my life. I guess this is a step in all addiction recovery.

I totally do not want to place blame on anyone but I just have to figure out why a 4 year old would start turning towards food. I know that my family loves me and would do nothing to hurt me in anyway. I certainly want to figure this out so I might be able to prevent it happening to my children if I'm blessed with them.

I think part of my issues stemmed from being compared to my older brother and having the feelings of not living up to what I thought was expected of me. I know that I was never intentionally compared to him but looking back to lil things, I was comparing myself to him and not being able to be as great as my big brother. I also think this is part of the reason why our childhood relationship suffered.

Let me give you an example of my lil girl logic. It is report card time. My grandparents would give us money for the A's on our report cards. My brother was a straight A student and racked in the cash. I was a B student that really struggled to get those B's sometimes and walked away with less cash then him. So at that instance, I told myself that I'm not smart enough or good enough and I begin to feel those holes with what I know would make me feel better and less sad. CHEESE!!!

God bless my grandparents!! When though they are not here in body, their souls are looking down on me everyday!! I love them and I know in my heart that they are proud of the woman I have become. And it is only through this discovery of myself, I can feel proud of myself. It is tough feeling proud of yourself when you are always comparing yourself to others.

From this point on!! I'm me!!! I need to be proud of me!!! I will never be my brother, my neighbor, or that size zero model!!! I need to love myself for me!!!

Wowsers!!! It is amazing what blogging can do for a girl. And I'll be filling alot more holes as I continue on my journey.

My New Clothing Goal

I have found my new I'm going to get in this goal!! The next size 18 Tommy Hilfiger Jeans in my life. By the way, my Tommy's are to big for me now!! I officially can shop for size 16 pants. I'm amazed considering I was shopping just a lil over a year ago at Pennigton's for size 5x/32W and having a hard time finding things that fit. I now can fit into 1 leg of those pants I bought a year ago.

But I'm so excited about my new goal. Over the weekend, I found a $25 silk dress at the Chinese Night Market in Chinatown. It is midnight blue and very ohhh lalaaaa!! Keep it mind it is made for the Asian women population who have alot smaller curves then me!! But I'm going to get into this dress!! I'm going to continue full steam ahead with my training schedule for the Okanagan Marathon and going to aquafit. But for the fall, belly dancing here I come and perhaps a couple of sessions with a personal trainer to start working on the body tone and loose skin.

Put in me in some strappy heels and this dress and BAM!! You have one fine looking chick!! I can picture it now!!!

Don't you quit.......

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down
When you feel like the biggest failure in town
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about healthy and thin
So what! You went over your points a bit
It's your next move that counts...So don't quit
It's a moment of truth, its an attitude change
It's learning the skills to get back to your range
It's telling yourself, "you've done great up till now",
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow"
It's part of your journey towards reaching your goal
You're gonna make it, just take control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace,
If you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when loosing the grip,
just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done,
that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,
but facing each challenge will help you to grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the cloud of doubt.
When you're pushed to the brink,
just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it down....
But don't you QUIT!!!

~WW Online 200+ message board~